How I always wanted to say that I hate you,but you muffle my voice by ur boisterous beatings.
yes,you beat,you bring emotions,hue in a normal human's life..but still I hate you.My heart. I hate you.Now,don't ask why,how...
I hate you for making me believe that life can sometime(or all the time)be too boring,mechanical alone...that counting stars in sky will be much more fun if you have someone beside you...that if u have two or three fingers to caress during a long frosty evening walk, you'll know what pure,unadulterated happiness is like.
Without you my life is the same black,cynic...gaining happiness from things which can be gauged,seen and talked about...you make my insomniac soul see dreams...dreams which have a promise...a purpose...a meaning...a life...And that scares me.
Yes,dreams scares me...what if they don't come true?what if there is no hand to hold during those long walks?What if no one preserves their special smile for me?I don't want to count those stars alone...I'm bad at mathematics.
But when I ask you all this..you are as clueless as I'm...you only know how to dream..you only know how to convince me that life can be beautiful...that life is beautiful...trying to make me a good human being...that there is a world in someone's smile...that there are myriad promises waiting to be fulfilled in someone's eyes...that you just have to call...someone is waiting there for you...that someone will be waiting there for you...how can someone be so beautiful that you want to be a part of their life in your own small,insignificant ways;you say this to me frequently.
You've made me sad numerous times...shown me stars and took it away the moment i was to grab them and keep them forever...you captivated me,made me weak,dependent...told me that my happiness is linked with someone else.
No,I say...leave me...let me be black...but u don't listen...u slowly,naturally take me towards someone with whom you want my life to overlap with...someone with whom my life will begin and end with...for trying to make me part of a beautiful feeling called "love".
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My Stupid Suicide Plan-Chetan Bhagats Article
I read this article when I was at a vulnerable point in my life,where everything was blurred,inaudible.One blow and life could've fallen apart.Just like that.But,all thanx to Chetan Bhagat(who many "literature loving" people consider a flash in the pan. I mean fuck you all.)He uplifted me.He made me feel better about myself."I'm not useless.What the heck.I'll give my life another chance,"I said and smiled amidst the tears.
Chetan,I just wanted to say thank you.
His article begins from the next line:
-------------------------
My Stupid Suicide Plan
Last week, an IITian committed suicide. People who commit suicide do it when they feel there's no future. But wait, isn't IIT the one place where a bright and shining future is a foregone conclusion? It just doesn't add up, does it? Why would a young, hardworking, bright student who has the world ahead of him do something like this? But the answer is this-in our constant reverence for the great institution (and I do believe IITs are great), we forget the dark side. And the dark side is that the IITs are afflicted by the quintessential Indian phenomenon of academic pressure, probably the highest in the world.
I can rant about the educational system and how it requires serious fixing, or I can address the immediate-try my best to prevent such suicides. For this column I have chosen the latter, and I do so with a personal story.
News of a suicide always brings back one particular childhood memory. I was 14 years old when I first seriously contemplated suicide. I had done badly in chemistry in the Class X half yearly exam. I was an IIT aspirant, and 68% was nowhere near what an IIT candidate should be getting. I don't know what had made me screw up the exam, but I did know this, I was going to kill myself. The only debate was about method. Ironically, chemistry offered a way. I had read about copper sulphate, and that it was both cheap and poisonous. Copper sulphate was available at the kirana store. I had it all worked out.
My rationale for killing myself was simple-nobody loved me, my chemistry score was awful, I had no future and what difference would it make to the world if I was not there. I bought the copper sulphate for two rupees-probably the cheapest exit strategy in the world.I didn't do it for two reasons. One, I had a casual chat with the aunty next door about copper sulphate, and my knowledgeable aunty knew about a woman who had died that way. She said it was the most painful death possible, all your veins burst and you suffer for hours. This tale made my insides shudder. Second, on the day I was to do it, I noticed a street dog outside my house being teased by the neighborhood kids as he hunted for scraps of food. Nobody loved him. It would make no difference to the world if the dog wasn't there. And I was pretty sure that its chemistry score would be awful. Yet, the dog wasn't trotting off to the kirana store. He was only interested in figuring out a strategy for his next meal. And when he was full, he merely curled up in a corner with one eye open, clearly content and not giving a damn about the world. If he wasn't planning to die anytime soon what the hell was I ranting about? I threw the copper sulphate in the bin. It
was the best two bucks I ever wasted.
So why did I tell you this story? Because sometimes the pressure gets too much; like it did for the IITian who couldn't take it no more. On the day he took that dreadful decision, his family and friends were shattered, and India lost a wonderful, bright child. And as the silly but true copper sulphate story tells you-it could happen to any of us or those around us.
So please be on the lookout, if you see a distressed young soul, lend a supportive, non-judgmental ear. When I look back, I thank that aunt and that dog for unwittingly saving my life. If God wanted us to take our own life, he would have provided a power off button. He didn't, so have faith and let his plan for you unfold. Because no matter how tough life gets and how much it hurts, if street dogs don't give up, there is no reason why we, the smart species, should. Makes sense right?
Chetan,I just wanted to say thank you.
His article begins from the next line:
-------------------------
My Stupid Suicide Plan
Last week, an IITian committed suicide. People who commit suicide do it when they feel there's no future. But wait, isn't IIT the one place where a bright and shining future is a foregone conclusion? It just doesn't add up, does it? Why would a young, hardworking, bright student who has the world ahead of him do something like this? But the answer is this-in our constant reverence for the great institution (and I do believe IITs are great), we forget the dark side. And the dark side is that the IITs are afflicted by the quintessential Indian phenomenon of academic pressure, probably the highest in the world.
I can rant about the educational system and how it requires serious fixing, or I can address the immediate-try my best to prevent such suicides. For this column I have chosen the latter, and I do so with a personal story.
News of a suicide always brings back one particular childhood memory. I was 14 years old when I first seriously contemplated suicide. I had done badly in chemistry in the Class X half yearly exam. I was an IIT aspirant, and 68% was nowhere near what an IIT candidate should be getting. I don't know what had made me screw up the exam, but I did know this, I was going to kill myself. The only debate was about method. Ironically, chemistry offered a way. I had read about copper sulphate, and that it was both cheap and poisonous. Copper sulphate was available at the kirana store. I had it all worked out.
My rationale for killing myself was simple-nobody loved me, my chemistry score was awful, I had no future and what difference would it make to the world if I was not there. I bought the copper sulphate for two rupees-probably the cheapest exit strategy in the world.I didn't do it for two reasons. One, I had a casual chat with the aunty next door about copper sulphate, and my knowledgeable aunty knew about a woman who had died that way. She said it was the most painful death possible, all your veins burst and you suffer for hours. This tale made my insides shudder. Second, on the day I was to do it, I noticed a street dog outside my house being teased by the neighborhood kids as he hunted for scraps of food. Nobody loved him. It would make no difference to the world if the dog wasn't there. And I was pretty sure that its chemistry score would be awful. Yet, the dog wasn't trotting off to the kirana store. He was only interested in figuring out a strategy for his next meal. And when he was full, he merely curled up in a corner with one eye open, clearly content and not giving a damn about the world. If he wasn't planning to die anytime soon what the hell was I ranting about? I threw the copper sulphate in the bin. It
was the best two bucks I ever wasted.
So why did I tell you this story? Because sometimes the pressure gets too much; like it did for the IITian who couldn't take it no more. On the day he took that dreadful decision, his family and friends were shattered, and India lost a wonderful, bright child. And as the silly but true copper sulphate story tells you-it could happen to any of us or those around us.
So please be on the lookout, if you see a distressed young soul, lend a supportive, non-judgmental ear. When I look back, I thank that aunt and that dog for unwittingly saving my life. If God wanted us to take our own life, he would have provided a power off button. He didn't, so have faith and let his plan for you unfold. Because no matter how tough life gets and how much it hurts, if street dogs don't give up, there is no reason why we, the smart species, should. Makes sense right?
Friday, January 5, 2007
Modest Expectations
Why do people expect something?I always wonder.Anytime.Everytime.Or, why do I expect? Everytime.Anytime.For the perfect friends,for the perfect family, for the perfect relations,for the perfect marks.Why do I need everything that has to be the best? No, nothing short will do.It just has to be right there,something which should match my fucking standards.Standards which I have set for myself in past few months, not knowing why,putting myself under a lot of stress unncessarily.Sometimes, you feel enough is enough(and trust me, i have felt this a lot of times).No, i don't want to do this.No.Let me be myself.Atleast for the moment.Atleast for now. But no. You've to do things that will make you live in a "respectable" fashion.Always.Always.Always.
I come up with the above inexplicable emotions just because I did some of the questions in semester exams wrong.Or,the exam didn't go as I would like it to.I was so terribly upset.I mean if all it take is some stupid question to disturb your equilibrium, then something is wrong with you.I can't go to anyone, say anything. Everything will sound so mechanical,boring,childish,insignificant. "C'mon Dude! It's just a few questions.Get a life". That is what it is. Just a few questions.But that is not the point.It is not about a few questions, it is about few things. It is how do you prioritise things in life,or how do have i prioritised things in my own life.Why have I given some things unnecessary importance ?Why do i want to cling to certain things everytime?Why do my world revolves around it? What is it?
You know who I envy the most?No,not the toppers,not the millionaries(for roaming around in perfect cars with hot models),not the super intelligent brainy who wears braces and knows the answers to all the questions,not the handsome hunks who sweep the most gorgeous girls of their feet.None of them.
I envy people who are content with themselves.No matter what they are,how they are,they accept themselves.They love themselves unconditionallyand they don't care what other says or feel.I know many people might say this attitude as ignorance,cowardice,whatever.But if u ask me I want to be like them.I don't want to worry everytime.I don't want to be unhappy most of the time.
I'm upset with myself(not anything new,but anyways).I'm upset with myself for being so unrelenting to myself all the times.For pushing me into doing things I don't want to sometimes.For worrying infinitely over things which can't be helped.For fussing over small things,for worrying about my future everytime,for me wanting to like someone.For me wanting to have a perfect life!
Tanul,you still have chance.Redeem yourself.
I come up with the above inexplicable emotions just because I did some of the questions in semester exams wrong.Or,the exam didn't go as I would like it to.I was so terribly upset.I mean if all it take is some stupid question to disturb your equilibrium, then something is wrong with you.I can't go to anyone, say anything. Everything will sound so mechanical,boring,childish,insignificant. "C'mon Dude! It's just a few questions.Get a life". That is what it is. Just a few questions.But that is not the point.It is not about a few questions, it is about few things. It is how do you prioritise things in life,or how do have i prioritised things in my own life.Why have I given some things unnecessary importance ?Why do i want to cling to certain things everytime?Why do my world revolves around it? What is it?
You know who I envy the most?No,not the toppers,not the millionaries(for roaming around in perfect cars with hot models),not the super intelligent brainy who wears braces and knows the answers to all the questions,not the handsome hunks who sweep the most gorgeous girls of their feet.None of them.
I envy people who are content with themselves.No matter what they are,how they are,they accept themselves.They love themselves unconditionallyand they don't care what other says or feel.I know many people might say this attitude as ignorance,cowardice,whatever.But if u ask me I want to be like them.I don't want to worry everytime.I don't want to be unhappy most of the time.
I'm upset with myself(not anything new,but anyways).I'm upset with myself for being so unrelenting to myself all the times.For pushing me into doing things I don't want to sometimes.For worrying infinitely over things which can't be helped.For fussing over small things,for worrying about my future everytime,for me wanting to like someone.For me wanting to have a perfect life!
Tanul,you still have chance.Redeem yourself.
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